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The alarm clock rings, sluggishly you climb out of bed.  After the initial sting of the ringing ends, you make a mad dash to get dressed, grab something to eat and if you have kids the morning routine is further intensified.  Mornings are a blur.  You quickly give your spouse a kiss on the cheek and head out the door. 

After traffic, meetings, work, and t-ball practice, you slip into bed exhausted. Another day over.  The alarm clock rings and it starts all over again.

Lets be honest, the daily grind assaults and destroys our marriages.  

When you spend time with your spouse, you are making an investment.  If you don’t invest in your marriage, you are leaving it depleted and drained.  In order to make this investment, you will need to make plans to spend time with your spouse and plan to communicate.  

Here a 5 low cost investments that will pay dividends in your marriage:

1. Strengthen your spiritual connection: Wake up 15 minutes earlier each day.  Use this time to pray, read a devotional, and spiritually connect.  A study conducted several years ago concluded couples who pray together are 75% more likely to be satisfied in their marriage. 
   
   
2. Send your spouse a loving or encouraging text during the day. Too often when we communicate with our spouse it sounds more like a strategy meeting than it does a conversation between friends.  Proverbs 12:25 tells us “anxiety weights down a heart, but a kind word cheers him up.” 
   
   
3. Hug and hold hands – When you give someone a 20 second hug, your body releases a “love” hormone called oxytocin. This won’t only be good for your marriage, its also good for your health, resulting in less stress. Make time to physically connect with your spouse.
   
   
4. Laugh together – Trite but true laughter is the best medicine.  Laughing together helps to strengthen your relationship by creating a bond.  Finding laughter in your day also aids in stress reduction and decreases conflict.  
   
   
5. Establish a date night routine – This needed by expensive or fancy.  Find events or things that interest you and your spouse. Here’s a website with 140 different date nights options http://www.tipjunkie.com/post/date-night/.  The main objective in date night is to have fun and reconnect.  Remember dates before marriage? They didn’t involve talking about bills or the kids – it was about learning about each other. 
   

Marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts. Its far too easy to neglect this precious gift.  Fight for your marriage.  Care for it.  Nurture it.  This is one investment you will be grateful you made.  

Blessings to you,
Melissa 
(Married for 20 years and counting, striving to daily implement these steps)

If you would like to talk to someone about how to implement these steps or if you are feeling stuck in your marriage, please contact me for professional counseling, www.melissaclarkcounseling.com 

The sound of screams and laughter was alarming.  My family stepped out of winter and into a balmy, 84-degree water-wonderland. Fun was no longer limited to an emotion.  The raw energy of entire families abandoned to having the time of their life filled the indoor water park with enthusiasm. I couldn’t wait to experience the exhilaration of watching my kids share in the fun of swimming and cascading down whirly-twirl slides, especially my adventure-junkie daughter who just turned six. 

Her name is “Averie”.  Give her something to jump off and she’ll take the challenge. She slides fearlessly on our cherrywood floors. But instead of amazement and curiosity filling her sweet face, I saw panic and dread as she stepped up to her first waterslide.

“What if I sink?” she asked. “What if people laugh at me if I do it wrong?” and the all important fashion concerns…“What if my bathing suit doesn’t go with the color of my nails?” (I forgot to mention that Averie is our in-house fashion expert with *flawless* insight into fashion.)

Anxiety filled her heart. Thoughts of the worst crowded her mind. Fun quickly turned to paralyzing fears of an imagined future. Instead of feeling free, she stood frozen. Instead of getting soaked, she stood panicked. All because of two totally debilitating and fear-based words – “What if?”

Trust me; I get it. If I know one thing, it’s fear:

• Fear of being too much.
• Fear of being not enough.
• Fear of bad things happening.
• Fear of being disliked.
• Fear of failure.

My fear has exploded into full-on panic attacks. My pounding heart and tormented thoughts leave be void of sleep me on many occasions. Too many times, I have missed out on wonderful adventures of my own. I imagine you might very well identify with a word most of us are not comfortable admitting to ourselves or others – Fear.

Fear is something TV commercials say we should not have and if we will just buy their product it will magically go away. Fear is not in style.  No one starts out their day saying, “I wonder how many ways I can be afraid today.”  It is simply a hidden realm of an earful possibilities that haunts all of us.

I don’t type these words as an expert; I speak from a place of understanding. I struggle in the trenches alongside you. Every step forward to peace is a struggle—but oh so worth it.

Understanding Fear

Each of my roles—professional counselor, wife, mother, woman—provide me with a unique vantage point regarding fear. I’ve observed, questioned, and pondered ways to break free from fear for the benefit of my family, my clients, and myself. I’ve studied fear, placed it under the microscope, analyzed its origins, considered what makes it grow, and most importantly, sought how to eradicate it. 

Fear is a byproduct of your thoughts, and your thoughts are incredibly powerful. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinks, so is he.” How you think begins to shape your perception of your identity, God’s identity, and the world you live in. For my daughter, fear of the worst caused her to see her reality from a place of danger, but no danger existed. The slide ended in a shallow pool, making it nearly impossible to sink. Her thoughts shaped her perception and ultimately her state of being. 

Overcoming Fear

What about you? What is God saying to you in this season of your life? Is fear keeping you from enjoying God’s blessings? Like my daughter’s moment at the water park, God provides opportunities for us to step out in faith, to accept risk, and to pursue passionate living.

What are your fears? Take a moment to pray and ask God to reveal what fears are resulting from your anxiety-laden thoughts. Write them down, begin to study them.  Trust me, you’ll start seeing patterns and triggers.  

Fear feels so real because your brain literally cannot tell the difference in what is real and what you tell it is real. Humans are God’s only creation who possess the ability to imagine. I am often saddened by how I use this amazing gift. You are probably just like me as we tend to use our imagination to picture the worst instead of allowing my imagination, in wonderment, to catch a glimpse of how God can move in our future as we remember all he has done us in the past.  

The Bible gives us 366 verses on fear. Isn’t that just like the Father to give us everything we need? He even took leap year into consideration. He gives us a verse every day to push fear away so that we might step into his presence. Many of the verses that reveal pathways to peace come from examples of everyday people riddled with imperfections. If you look at these models of faith, you don’t have to look too hard to find their fears—and even a few insecurities: 

• Moses grappled with a serious fear of public speaking.

• David stayed awake on many occasions, fearing for his life from a crazy guy in hot pursuit.

• Esther feared speaking up to her husband about the coming execution of her people.

Countless stories abound in the Bible concerning normal people like you and me who choose to stand toe-to-toe with fear. They knew the reality, they understood the risk, and yet they trusted God and stepped out in faith, even though they were likely afraid. 

Each of these individuals jumped while scared. 

The only difference between their story and yours is the outcome. Will you allow your circumstances to dictate your choices? 

How to Jump Scared

Averie taught me an important lesson as she stood precariously torn between overwhelming fear and amazing triumph. When she finally jumped into her first ride at the waterpark, she jumped scared. She cried before she laughed.  She wavered before she succeeded. My 6 year old daughter taught me about overcoming fear and I have a great hunch what I learned can help you “Jump scared” too.

1. Keep your eyes off yourself and on Jesus. 

When Averie jumped, she made sure she had a direct line of sight into my eyes.  She was not looking at the source of her fear, she was looking for my confidence that everything was going to be ok. It brought back memories of my childhood when I felt lost in a big store with my parents right next to me or when I left for that annual first day of school.  As long as I could see their confidence in me, I knew there was nothing to fear.

My fear is highest when I make myself lord of my life. Instinctively, I know that I’m not capable to rule and reign in my life. I know my frailties, my weaknesses, and everything in between. Jesus is the only one who is secure, the only one perfect, and the only one who has all the answers, all the resources, and all the capabilities. Go back to the fears you wrote down a moment ago. Are you putting too many expectations on yourself and not on God? If so, take another moment and pray. Confess this fear and allow your heart to surrender to his rule and reign. I promise, where he is there is no fear. His presence is perfect love, and therefore fear cannot exist there (I John 4:18).

2. Realize that what you focus on will shape your perception. 

Averie learned another essential life lesson that day.  Although she could not put it all into words, she learned that whatever we position ourselves in front of every day is what becomes our perception of life, ourselves, God and everything else.

Your focus determines your direction. Remember riding a bike? Your eyes naturally guided you toward your destination. Your mind is incredibly powerful. Moment by moment, you’re presented with an opportunity: Are you going to focus on truth, or are you going to focus on worst-case scenarios? Think about this: the windshield of your car is the biggest glass surface, and the rear-view mirrors are the smallest. Why? Because you need to look where you’re going and only glimpse where you’ve been. You should be aware of what’s around you, but your greatest focus is where you’re headed. Focus on God’s goodness and place your hope in all that he has for you on the road ahead. 

3. Speak truth and create anchors. 

When Averie climbed out of the pool she was a mixed bundle of emotions that ranged from “WOW! Let’s do that again!” to “Never again will I take that risk.” She was forming a script for her life that would create ripples every day for the rest of her life.  That’s why I made a point to give her the first words to her script.  Rather focusing on the fear and what might have happened, I told her, “I am so proud of you!.  Look what you did!”.  Although we often lose sight of it, God has also given us his word that becomes the script we follow in life.

Just as your focus is important, so are your words. Proverbs 18:21 tells us that our words have the power to bring life or death. As a woman, you speak around 20,000 words daily. But what about those secret words, the ones no one hears? Counselors frequently use the phrase “internal dialogue.” My guess is that your daily internal dialogue could reach into the millions. Those words are powerful! Instead of speaking fear, speak truth. Here are a few suggestions for anchors: “God is good. God is good at being God. I am loved. I am chosen. I am valuable.” Write these down, memorize them, speak them often to others, to yourself, and even to your pet. These truth statements become anchors that will stabilize you through the storms of fear and usher you into his presence of peace. 

4. Join with others. 

After watching Averie made the decision over and over again to jump scared I began to recognize a pattern.  She is highly social, so seeing her talking to other kids was not a surprise.  But I was surprised, and pleased, to see that the kids she was talking with were the ones who were also jumping scared. She naturally created a support system of strangers who encouraged and influenced her that wonderful day at the waterpark.

Create a circle of friends you can pray with, stand with, and encourage. Being able to talk about your fears and then have someone pray with you is powerful. In addition to the previous three tools, I’ve also found that talking with my husband about my fears shatters my fears more than anything else. Getting my fears out of my head allows for a filtration process to occur. Otherwise, my thoughts fester and become contaminated, and then the contamination becomes like a disease infiltrating my mind and eroding my faith. 

You and I will continue to face fear. Fear is inevitable. Each time you’re presented with fear, you’re also presented with a chance to walk in faith. I promise you: his peace truly does surpass all understanding. No matter how big or small the storms of your life, rest in his arms of peace. May God’s grace cover you. 

Blessings to you,

Melissa

Ella saw the world, not always as it was, but as it could be. Unfortunately, some very important people in her life did not share this belief.  Tragedy struck Ella’s family leaving her alone with her new stepmother and stepsisters. 

Cruel, heartless, bitter describe these three individuals. 

Her step mother and step sisters misused and mistreated her.  What seemed like overnight, she went from a sister to a servant.  In fact, on a cold night, she fell asleep with the last bit of heat from the fire leaving her face covered in ash.

Her “sisters” mocked and teased her.  Laughing so cruelly at her.  Every snicker and sneer stripped Ella of her place in the family.   Ella comes to breakfast one morning instead of eating something tasty she leaves with a new name, Cinderella.

The movie, I am referring to is the latest Disney remake of the classic tale, Cinderella.

The narrator states names have power.  The power? To become a blessing or a curse.  All of the sudden it seems that her stepmother and stepsisters had indeed transformed her from a beautiful young lady to a creature of ash and toil.

On several occasions, her stepmother asks her, who do you think you are? Not giving Ella a chance to answer, her stepmother answers the question for her telling her, “you are a ragged servant girl that is who you are and that is who you will always be.”  She calls her dirty, a servant girl, ragged, nothing, a wretch. 

One label after another.

She went from a girl of confidence to a girl who questioned her very self-worth (can you relate to this?).  Out of fear of rejection, Ella is afraid to be herself.  Because this is a Disney fairy tale, there is, of course, a handsome prince.  She begins to fall in love and at the same time, she doubts what she could offer in a relationship.  She questions if she would be “enough.” 

The narrator tells of Ella taking a risk.  The risk? To be seen. “Perhaps the greatest risk we can take in life is to be seen for ourselves as we truly are”.

Let me make an injection, perhaps the greatest risk is to be the people God created us to be.  The creation God made.

During the movie, curled up on the couch with my son and daughter I began to cry.  Thinking of the labels I wore in my lifetime.  The fear that gripped me and the masks I wore thinking I wasn’t good enough.

Yes, a name is very powerful. A name defines certain characteristics about a person. These characteristics make up a person’s identity.  2 Ephesians 2:10 tells us, We are God’s craftsmanship – and depending on the translation, you’ll find, masterpiece, handiwork, workmanships, creation.  This is our identity. 

Other names include – Strong, Wanted, Lovable, Worthy, Capable.

Unfortunately, for most of us, we don’t embrace these names. No, instead of names we wear labels. Much like Ella.

My labels: 

As a child, I was extremely outgoing with a talkative personality. My parents are both introverts.  They didn’t understand my need for others.  Being around others brings me life and energy while being alone too much drains my energy.  I remember in my childhood feeling like I was “too much.” This was a label I wore. 

When I wanted to go out with friends or share a story in a lively, enthusiastic way, I often received a message from my parents, that I was “too much”.  They never verbally spoke this over me.  It was something that I perceived from them in reading their body language and some assumptions I made.  Because I believed I was “too much,” I then started feeling like I was “weird” an “outsider.”

By the time I entered High school, I wore these labels, plus other ones like – Fat, Ugly, Not Good enough. Loser.

I believed lie after lie about myself.

When I would introduce myself to others, I might have told them, Hi, my name is Melissa, I like…. but what I was really telling them was, I am too much, I am weird, I am an outsider, I am ugly, I am fat, I am a loser.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out believing these labels or false names about myself produced very painful emotions.  This was a very dark time in my life.  Shame become a garment of choice.  Anger seethed through me.  Depression sank over me. Food ruled me.

Sure, I wore a smile, a Christian girl smile at that.  But, right beneath the surfaced laid an enormous amount pain and self-hatred.

The self-hatred? Why couldn’t I be normal, Why couldn’t I be like everyone else?  Why did I have to be so weird?

Labels limit. 
Your name unleashes limitless possibilities.

Here are a few common labels:

• We label ourselves by our failures and successes 

• What we have been called or call ourselves

• What we do – including the roles or positions you hold

Embrace your God-given name: 

I want you to take a moment and consider, ask God to show you what labels you are wearing.

I often do this exercise when I speak to a group of women.  I don’t have that opportunity to speak to you personally today.  But, let me tell you, sweet sister, I am with you in spirit and in truth.

God desperately wants you to break free from the labels you are wearing and embrace the name He has given you.

The only way for you to truly break free from the lies is to know the truth, to hear the truth, experience the truth.  And what better source than from the Truth Maker.

If you are able, download Journal by Casey J. You can find it on Amazon.

While you’re listening to this song, ask God if you are wearing a label.  Then ask him what your name is.

Isaiah 45:3 – I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. (Italics added)

God call you by name.  This name is powerful because it describes a part of your identity.

Usually, when God speaks to us, it isn’t through an audible voice.  Most commonly it’s a sensing in our spirit, or a word, or a picture.

You can trust it’s from God if it aligns with the Bible, producing the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, Galatians 5:22-23).

If you don’t hear anything, that’s okay.  Go to what the bible says: You Are Accepted

You are My Child.
John 1:12

You are Christ’s friend.
John 15:15

You have been justified.
Romans 5:1

You are united with Me as one spirit.
I Corinthians 6 17

You are bought with a price and you belong to Me.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

You are a member of Christ’s body.
1 Corinthians 12:27

You are a saint.
Ephesians 1:1

You have been adopted as My child.
Ephesians 1:5

You have access to Me through the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 2:18

You have been redeemed and forgiven.
Colossians 1:14

You are complete in Christ.
Colossians 2:10

Begin thinking differently about yourself

As you begin replacing lies and meditating on these truths, you will begin to think differently about yourself.  As you think differently, you begin living differently.  Proverbs 4:23 tells us how we think about ourselves, determines how we live.

The Creator of the universe took time to make you.  He is perfect including the way He made you. Sure, you have work to do – I know I do.

But do this work from a place knowing you are worthy, valuable, loved, beautiful, accepted.  Not from a place of not good enough.

Rest knowing you are good enough.

You can get off the hamster wheel of striving.

You are worthy.  You are loved.  You are valuable.

Blessings to you,
Melissa

There are voices in my head. No, I’m not a crazy person. These voices are usually faint whispers that taunt me, telling me “You aren’t good enough. You’ll never be good enough.” 

As these words echo through my mind, hope slips like sand through my hands. The power I possess vanishes. Why bother? I’ll never be able to _______, I think, cowering to the power of this dark voice.

Another voice tells me “You should be farther along by now. Just look at that person online or that person over there. They are so much more advanced in their careers, and she’s definitely a better mother than you. You’re such a failure.” 

These voices give rise to my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, setting me up in an exhausting cycle of perfectionism and comparison.

“Who do you think you are?” 

This one is the worst. That phrase always stops me cold, piercing my heart, leaving me feeling weak in the knees and pulling the plug on all my motivation and drive.

“You should…”

“You’ll never…”

“You’re so…”

Those are the voices in my head. I probably don’t sound so crazy now because more than likely, you are now thinking of the voices in your own head. What are they saying?

I call this the voice of the Accuser. Accusing me that I’m not good enough, and I’ll never be good enough, so I might as well give up and try harder, all at the same time. Can you relate?

I’m not much of a grammar person (if you’ve read this blog for long, this is pretty obvious). But here is a little grammar lesson: “you” is a second person pronoun. “You” refers to a listener or a speaker. If you’re on the other side of a “you” phrase, you are the listener.

Why does this matter?

The importance lies in how active you are in your own life. When you listen to the voice of the Accuser (or whatever else you want to call it), you’re putting yourself on the passive end of communication. Listening to and soaking in the message of these lies.

When you listen to these kinds of lies, you ingest its deadly message. And over time, the lie doesn’t feel like garbage anymore; it begins to feel like truth. Have you ever sat in a room that smelled? After a period of time, you don’t smell the stench anymore. What once stank now smells normal. It’s the same when you listen to the garbage for too long. It starts to seem normal and like the truth.

What can you do?

1. Begin to listen for the “you” voice. Think about the inner dialogue subtly (or maybe not so subtly) happening in your mind. As you create an intention to truly hear the garbage, you are training your brain to recognize it and be more aware of it.
   
   
2. When you hear this voice, begin speaking truth to yourself. Here are some truth staples: You are worthy and valuable. You matter. You have been designed by a Creator for a reason. There is something unique about you and your calling. You are beautiful. Your past doesn’t define you, but your Creator does.
   
   
3. Repeat. You will be amazed to discover that as you quit listening to lies and begin speaking truth, your beliefs about yourself will change. And as your beliefs change, so will your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Blessings to you,

Melissa